*Every Wednesday, I will be posting either an excerpt or a page from one of my middle school diaries and reflecting on them as a (sort of) more mature human being. Names will be hidden to protect the person’s identity as well as their imminent embarrassment for my teenage perceptions of them.*

Ahhh, yes. The self-degradation of a fourteen year old girl truly is astounding, isn’t it? To be completely honest with you, some of these qualities I still relate to this day. Though I may not categorize them as illustrating me as “stupid” – well, not all of them – they were parts of myself I wasn’t exactly fond of. So instead of attempting to delve deep into my young innocent mind, maybe I’ll just share with you aspects of myself I’m working on improving to make myself a better human being.

Maybe after, you should do the same. It might truly bring to light something about yourself that you may not have recognized before. Writing is whack like that.

*in no particular order*

I’m a damn good procrastinator

It sounds good when I write it like that, doesn’t it? Honestly, it’s a curse. I’m the kind of bitch that will have something to do and I will put it off until the last minute. A bill is due? I’ll wait until the due date and..sometimes forget about it. A ten page paper needs to be written on a well-researched topic? Well shit, if I pull an all-nighter, I’ll just write it then. Though my procrastination isn’t always that extreme, it does affect my life.

How I’ve worked on this: I have a journal, well planner I guess, that I write in every week outlining things I want to accomplish each day accompanied by a reward system. Whether it’s a workout, an article, a chapter of a book, or a drawing I want to complete – I make it a goal to prosper and check off all that I accomplished. Once I do, I get to play my video games or relax with a Netflix binge or get drunk by myself. I force myself to get my shit done.

I have a very hard time saying “no”

And I don’t mean that in a slutty way, so get your head out of the gutter. I mean I legitimately feel guilty for saying no to someone. If I’m asked to pick up a shift? I agree, even if I’m burnt out. If I’m asked to go out or do something I don’t honestly care to do? I typically make up some bullshit excuse or go anyway, out of obligation. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings or let anyone down. It’s a flaw, you guys. I’ve been taken advantage of because I’m too fucking nice.

How I’ve worked on this: “No thanks” and “I’m not really up for it” have been life-changers for me. It seems so simple, like why couldn’t I say that in the first place? Because my brain doesn’t want to disappoint a single soul on this planet. But putting my foot down and recognizing that what I want matters, too, actually changed my life. It’s okay to say no, folks. It’s okay to put you and your needs first.

I have a hard time leaving my comfort zone

I am such a homebody, it’s a problem. I love coming home after work, putting on a comfy t-shirt and sweats, and spending quality time with my gaming PC. I am like an introverted extrovert where I love to be alone but I also love being around people. It’s whack, my dudes. Because of this, I don’t get out much. I don’t go out and try new things as much as I should, I know that. I’m comfortable at home. I know I should be meeting new people, but I am so awkward, I feel as if I don’t know how to even socialize sometimes.

How I’ve worked on this: I make plans now with people I normally wouldn’t. I make people force me to go out with them and do radical things. I put on a top that shows off my shoulders and go out dancing with the girls (though I am the most terrible dancer to walk this earth). This year, I have made it a goal to participate in activities or group outings I normally wouldn’t. So far, I’m killin’ it.

Sometimes I think I’m too independent

Wooooo, independent women are the bomb.com, we don’t need no man, fuck ’em. That’s typically how we convey ourselves, anyway. Honestly, it’s pretty damn scary to me. I have had an array of flings, crushes, and a three-month relationship and…that’s about it. I have never had anything long-term, relationship wise. I am so okay alone. It’s not that I don’t want to fall in love, get married, have kids, live the dream. I just honest to god put dudes on the back-burner because I’m so happy with my me-time and my independence and that’s not fair.

How I’ve worked on this: I’m trying to go out and meet people. I’m trying to open up my space to people who want to come in. I’m trying to peel open my fucking eyelids and perhaps unveil something I’d completely missed in the past. It’s a work in progress, but progress nonetheless.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 23891892 times, haha, go ahead, it’s fine

Oh, you hurt me? You treat me like shit? You bring me down to a point where I don’t even like myself? That’s fineee, you can continue to stay in my life. I am the absolute worst at removing human waste from my life. I am a pro at seeing the absolute best in people that I completely ignore their toxic qualities that affect my life in a negative way. I have allowed people to take and take and take, but never give anything back in return. And that’s my fault. And I’m kinda done with it.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

How I’ve worked on this: I stop responding. I put up that wall to people who have continuously done me wrong. Yes, most people are going to hurt you, but if their behavior doesn’t change and they’re still taking advantage of how fucking wonderful you are? Fuck ’em, babe. Kick their sorry asses to the curb and experience how much lighter you feel without them. It’s a life changer.